Drawn by internet boredom, I actually read this article over at the Wiki eHow that tells how to help a friend who’s been arrested in the middle of the night. I have no doubt that the information is helpful and accurate. I do not question how many times a friend has to be arrested in order to get this info down pat. But I do think that there are much more fun alternatives.

tylerwillis.com presents: top ten fun things to try if your friend is arrested in the middle of the night

1. Get a new friend. Really, the guy’s been arrested in the middle of the night and calls you. That’s dadgum inconsiderate. There are also two distinct scenarios: you’re a goody goody (2% of the population) and have no desire to keep bad company OR you’re damn well afraid that the guy’s gonna point the finger at you and drag you down with him.
Corollary: move to an undisclosed Latin American country.

2. Befriend the chief of police. Preferably, this is done in advance of the said altercation. Make sure that your chief friend owes you, mob-style. If all goes according to plan, now your unlucky friend owes you, mob-style. And you have the chief on shady ethical grounds. Right where you want them.
Corollary: some criminals might not want to befriend the chief of police; use a proxy to do the arm-twisting.

3. Claim your friend works for the government. “You can’t arrest Jack! He works for the CINASABI as a Top-Level Enforcer. Don’t make him angry!” In the background, yell something about activating the hotline. Be sure to threaten the officer’s career; if unimaginative just fall back on the old “You want to be policing penguins in Alaska?!?!”
Corollary: some cops won’t buy this. If the officer seems somewhat intelligent, do be sure to start sounding vague as if you can’t talk about it.

4. Tell your friend that the officers won’t keep him if he pisses them off. This should only be used if the guy’s a jerk and you just want to go back to bed. Don’t be specific; the line is tapped so you don’t want anything pointing back to you.
Corollary: same thing about pissing off his cell-mates.

5. Promise to make bail for the moron if he’ll give you access to his financials. Laugh all the way to the bank.
Corollary: make sure this isn’t one of your mafioso friends.

6. Immediately declare the injustice of the situation and take charge personally. The idea is to screw up so badly that this friend (nor any of your other friends) will ever call you in the middle of the night again. Only take this route if you are certain that you can make a complete ass of yourself without getting arrested.
Corollary: dress up as Captain Planet.

7. Congratulate the friend on his ever expanding kinky lifestyle. Treat the whole thing as a joke; ask about how short the policewoman’s skirt was or — actually, there’s far too many inappropriate comments here. In an effort to keep this site family friendly, I won’t mention handcuffs, beat downs, police batons, or anything like that.
Corollary: bonus points if the arresting officer is not within your friend’s sexual orientation.

8. Negotiate your fee upfront. Just so there’s no mistake later, make sure your friend knows you don’t come cheaply. Crack is expensive.
Corollary: if he’s in for embezzlement or fraud, go for a percentage.

9. Always keep a gang handy for a jail break-out. You never know when one of your homies is gonna be in the slammer.
Corollary: see if you can plant a guy in the police station as a reformed gang-banger turned detective. This always works in the movies.

10. Do not feel obligated to help the scum-bag. Enjoy the piteous whine. Ask if he’d like cheese.
Corollary: cheese is good. Get some for yourself to enjoy while he rots in a cage.

Disclaimer:
These are bad ideas and should not be taken as real advice under any situation. Don’t mess with the police. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t sue tylerwillis.com.