First order of business is to violate the poor NES by removing its outer shell. As you can hopefully see by the picture to the right, it’s been screwed six times. Fix that.

Do note that you indefinitely screw whatever warranty time you might have had remaining.

For fun, call the toll-free number.

You can also remove the odd shaped thingee in the middle, just for kicks.

Once the screws have been removed, the casing should open right up, much like confessions at a Shriner convention.

Now we see the +8 Metal Shield of Lightning Reflection. Well, the NES is about to be stripped of its protection: remove 8 screws and toss them to your poor girlfriend whom you’ve made watch you do this whole repair. And you think it’s quality time. Poor you.

You’ll probably have to jiggle it a bit to get it off; for bonus points, do this step while watching a J-Lo video.

Now that the NES is vulnerable to your level 3 lightning spell, you may fry it or continue with the repair.

We’ve almost come to the Naughty Bits, just need to take out 6 more screws. 2 of these screws are longer than the others (they don’t belong). See if you can remember where they go so you don’t blow yourself up when you put it back together.

After removing the screws, you want to slide the Bowels of Acid out toward the front. This may require some lifting and maneuvering, but like most Karma Sutra positions, it eventually can be done.

Having removed the Bowels of Acid, you have just made Bender a very happy robot. Cover your NES’s shame!

Once that is done, you need to remove the actual 72 pin connector. This is just held on by pure gripping power; lift the motherboard ever so carefully and pull out the connector. It probably has a death grip on the motherboard; don’t be afraid to make your little sister pull it off for you.

Note the portion of the pic entitled “Here be Scurvy.” Now you get to do real work or walk the plank. The amount of Scurviness is directly related to the sins in your life; luckily I offer an absolution program.

Take a qtip and dip it in the alcohol and proceed to scrub the metal contacts like there is no tomorrow (there won’t be if you screw this up). The qtip should rapidly develop a nasty blackhead and an angsty attitude. Continue the rubdown process until you have a qtip that is more white than not. Then take a toothpick and carefully run it through the grooves in between the metal strips - not hard enough to damage anything, you’re just trying to pick up loose dirt. Next, grab that stick eraser (if ya don’t know what a stick eraser is, then ask your local nerd association - they’re the soft white erasers - do NOT use a hard, pink eraser - unless ya want to hear the angry wails of Scotland one last time) and gently, but firmly proceed to erase along the contacts. You can put some muscle into it, but don’t put so much that you shift the contacts out of position, as they’re much like chorus girls: they look best when they’re in synch. And semi-naked. Run a qtip one last time - hopefully noting that you have less (if any) black scurvy, and it should be good to go.

Note: you should be able to apply a good amount of force to the contacts without breaking anything, unless you happen to be a contender for Mr. Universe. In that case, you should just make some skinny nerd to do this for you.

Second Note: If you plan on performing the universal conversion, then there are three more screws you can remove to have access at the other side of the Scurvy. Take the opportunity to scrub/erase the flip side of the Scurvy. Not always necessary but never hurts. Unless your fingers are cracked, bleeding, and about to break from the strain. Then it might hurt a bit.

Before replacing the connector, take another drunk qtip (your should have a nice small pile of used ones; hopefully you haven’t been tossing these at your (ex)girlfriend) and run along the top half of the 72 pin connector. You won’t be able to get it much in there, but you should be able to pick up some grime.

The moment of truth has arrived; replace the connector and then the Bowels of Acid. Go ahead and screw both. Before you do anything else, grab a cart (preferably one that you hate) and POP it in to make sure that the up/down spring action still works. If you tighten the front screws too much, then the spring will stop working and entrap your godforsaken cart within the Bowels of Acid. Loosening the torturous screws should alleviate the pain.

Now what I do, is to go ahead and test the thing as is. Of course, I also sacrifice goats to Thor on a regular basis, so I don’t fear getting electrocuted. Your call.